Most of us feel insecure sometimes, but some of us feel insecure all the time. The kind of childhood you had, past trauma, recent experiences of failure or rejection, loneliness, social anxiety, negative beliefs about yourself, perfectionism or having a critical parent or partner can all attribute to insecurity. 

The first paragraph I write today comes from the first thing that came up when I googled feeling insecure. I woke up yesterday feeling inadequate. One of the first things I said to my husband was, that I was feeling insecure. His response was, that it’s a good thing that I can communicate how I am feeling at this stage in life. So true!.. the first step of change is realizing. I think it’s safe to say I feel insecure sometimes. I have had to work towards feeling secure. Especially working on my self-talk.. keeping it positive. “I am capable.. I have got through hard things before.. I am moving in the right direction!” 

The remainder of my day was filled with thoughts of why I must be feeling the way I am and how I was going to keep working to overcome those feelings! First and foremost I had to realize why I was struggling. It didn’t take long.. as my mom and I have been communicating again (on the phone some) in the evenings.. she often will ask about my lil’ sis, Nikki and my brothers and their kids. Well, that can be challenging for me because I have often felt like a parent/role model to my siblings and I would like to have the feeling that someone is looking out for me! Secondly, I read a response to a comment I had made on a post of my little sister’s. She had posted a stunning pic of her bedroom transformation she made during this stay-at-home order.. it was followed by lots of likes and comments! My comment was, “Beautimous, as always!” Her response was, “Thank You!!  You know when I am sick of it all, it’s going in your house!” Long story, short.. I know my sister meant it in the nicest way possible and I think she likes gifting me stuff because it feels good for things to go to a home where they are appreciated and live on. When I initially read it, I thought it sounded like I get her seconds.. Why would I feel that way? Silly.. but I truly believe it’s because I had been on the phone with my mom just before reading the post and she asked about all my siblings.. never asking me how I am. I am sure my mom didn’t mean to hurt me. I have struggled my whole life with feeling inadequate in comparison to my lil’ sister. 

I have made it my mission to be a light in the world and to help others who may be struggling. Who better than someone who knows from their own experiences? I realize in my adulthood that everything that happens is up for interpretation. I also realize that the moment I start to feel insecure or gloomy about anything.. it’s important to try to shift gears and get in a different midframe. I pride myself in being able to do that. I have been given the ability to see the best in any hard circumstance. 

It is important for us to feel and then work to heal. Healing for me has been working with some professionals. Talk therapy and meditation have been life changing! I have learned that I am not quite as good of a communicator as I want to be. I would say it’s a work in progress for me. I wrestle with sharing anything that’s hurting me. I especially have to work on my delivery. I can laugh as I type this, but it is true! 

Yesterday, my husband told me that exactly.. I need to work on my words/delivery. I recently got really pissed at our oldest son, Keith because he was in the shower in my bathroom right when I wanted to shower. In the last few days he decided to move his belongings downstairs to the guestroom (closest to my bathroom) while we were at work, because it’s bigger. This took place before we were mandated to stay-at-home due to the coronavirus.

 It really shook me because he moved everything I had stored (pictures.. books.. bedding.. etc.)  out of the closets in there. I  have been diagnosed with Overly Compulsive Personality Disorder and things like this are a struggle.. I DON’T LIKE MY BELONGINGS MOVED AROUND! I was an effin’ mess when our daughter, Aleah told me what had taken place. 

I am sure Keith feels entitled because my husband has let the boys each upgrade their bedrooms as the older ones have moved out. Our youngest son, Ike is a Jr. in high school and has the largest of the three bedrooms upstairs right now. I like the boys in the upstairs bedrooms… I call it the Boy Zone. It’s complete with two bathrooms up there. Then our room is on the main floor and our daughter, Aleah is downstairs.. Girl Zone, along with the guest room and girl’s bathroom.

He is still in the guest room downstairs. I guess we will try to work through it. I think he will be here till he is finished with his sophomore year of online classes at Bethany College. Then, we will help him find a rental as planned. 

This coronavirus has put a kink in most people’s normalcy. I am doing my best to embrace having our nineteen and twenty year old sons here until this passes. Our nineteen yr. old, middle son, Landon will be heading to barber school in Wichita as soon as the world is moving again. I want to remember this as a good time, knowing we will be in the next chapter of our lives before we know it! No matter what others say, think, do.. it doesn’t change our own perspective. Only working inwardly can change our perspective and interpretation. Finding humor in day-to-day life can be helpful! I have no doubt we will look back at this time and laugh and remember it as coming together in the midst of challenge! 

I have decided to write about overcoming the hard parts of my life on my Halfway there blog! I want others to realize they are not alone in their feelings or struggles. We are all human, having good and hard experiences. The most important thing is to press forward and make the best of every situation.. even the hard, bad and ugly parts. Never measure yourself compared to others! We all have our own strengths!

In closing, I want to end on an up note! A couple of important things that help when feeling insecure are:

1) Remember what you have already accomplished!

2) Remember where you are headed!

Halfway there is also found somewhere in the middle. We are halfway to anywhere we want to be. The first step is making up our minds to put things into action!

Yours in Style, Amber